Negotiate, Negotiate, Negotiate
As part of our Women’s History Month series, Cinneah (the founder of Flynanced) and I co-hosted a series of incredible roundtable discussions with some of our favorite women in the personal finance space with the goal of fostering rich intersectional conversations around money.
Budgeting is not just about dealing with the expenses that we have. It's also about freeing up money away from the things that don't bring us joy. But one thing we haven't really talked about is discovering new ways to bring in income or even negotiating some of the expenses that we already have.
We asked Judy to tell us why we should all learn to negotiate like a white man. What does that even mean? And how do we do that? Here’s what she had to share. (You can watch the full recording of the roundtable discussion, Building a Budget that Loves Your Back, here.)
What does it mean to “Negotiate Like a White Man”?
This is my favorite thing to teach women, especially women of color to do. And it doesn't mean that white men are better than women of color or women.
Part of it is going back into some of the mindset stuff that we’ve already talked about.
There are studies that show young boys are more likely to be told “you're smart” and young girls are more likely to be told “you’re pretty.” I’ve seen this with my own niece and nephew. These are ideas since we're very young that have been socialized into our heads. These affect the way that we act in life.
Because of that, white men are raised in a society that is based on them. They’re more likely to have a sense of entitlement. It’s going to be an easy ask for him to be like, “of course, I'm going to negotiate my salary.”
We know that men will go after jobs that they're 60% qualified for and women will go after jobs that they're 100% qualified for. That's not women's fault. They've been socialized to believe that they don't fit in the same way in the workplace or that they don't deserve those jobs because they also don't see a lot of women who look like them in those jobs.
So part of this is learning to transform the way we view things so we start to have the same level of entitlement that a white man has. I want us all, all women - and women of color especially - to have the entitlement of a white man and just believe “I deserve this.”
That affects our budget in so many ways. Whether it's negotiating over the job that you have, with the salary that you have, or even negotiating over your bills - and just deciding, “Of course, I can negotiate for cheaper car insurance.”
Some people think that “entitlement” is bad, but we're living in a capitalist society. F*ck it. The money's there. You getting a discount is not taking money away from somebody else. They're not concerned about taking it away from us, so why should we be concerned? Let's just ask for what we deserve.
Where do we start?
One of the first steps is determining how we view negotiations. That's where it starts. [White men] see it as a normal thing. We [women] see negotiation as a conflict, something to be scared of.
What if we switched that around to see that a negotiation is just a conversation? It’s just a collaboration to make sure that everyone gets what's best for them. That's one of the first steps: reframing what it means to negotiate.
In terms of your job, they're actually expecting you to negotiate. If you go and apply for a job, do you really think that they're just going to give you the highest salary that they can give you?
No, because many people - mostly men - will negotiate the offer. HR specialists are trained in negotiation. They're going to come in and they're going to offer you the lowest that they can give you. Not only are you holding yourself back if you choose not to negotiate, they're actually expecting you to - and they're probably surprised if you take that first offer.
What if we reframed it as “this is actually what they're expecting me to do?” It frees up that anxiety a little bit, because you're like “Okay, I'm supposed to do this.”
Also remember: you also don't have to accept the first counteroffer. Negotiation is a process.
Negotiation tactics
A common negotiation tactic is to cushion any “asks” with thankfulness. “I'm so excited to start this job. I can't wait,” but also adding “The offer is a great starting point. I can't wait to come up with something that is fair for both sides and fits both sides perfectly. This is what I counter.”
One of my clients applied for a job and it was less than she wanted. It was more than her current job, but still was less than she wanted. She countered and got another offer, but it still wasn't enough. And so I worked with her and we actually looked into stuff that was missing in the benefits package. She went back and got a second higher offer.
Adjusting your mindset
When we work on our mindset, things start to happen in a way we might not even expect. After she started that new job, her original job offered her a huge raise.
After negotiating twice, she ended up sticking with her original job. The raise was more than what the new job was going to be. But I think when we start to put out that energy of “I'm entitled to more money, I deserve more money,” it just shows up in all kinds of unique ways.
Negotiating bills
We can also negotiate our bills (which are our expenses). Instead of thinking of negotiating bills as a conflict, think of it as curiosity. Sometimes we want a perfect script because we don't know what to say. I recommend thinking, “I'm just gonna let my curiosity flow, ask a million questions, and see where it takes me.”
Here’s an example. I have a MacBook Air that I bought and I knew that BestBuy gave certain teacher/educator discounts and my husband works at a university. I also knew that there’s an option for getting open box laptops - ones that had been bought and then returned - for cheaper. I went to BestBuy knowing this, with the plan to get the best discount that I could get.
I went in and said “I'm starting my own business. I really could use the best discount.” I asked if I could buy the floor model and they said no, but remember that “no” is the start of negotiation, not the end. I waited and when he came back I asked him “What can you do for me?” Eventually he shared that they did have some open box models. He didn't come forward and tell me that originally, but he did after I asked twice.
I asked to take a look. Then I mentioned that my husband was an educator. He told me that I couldn’t have both discounts - that I could have the open box or the educator discount. He said no. I asked to speak to the manager. The manager said he would do it once. I asked again if there was a way I could get any more of a discount. Eventually, I got another discount. I was really nice and kept asking questions.
With negotiation, there’s so much you can access just by being curious and being nice. Sometimes, that’s all it takes.
I've negotiated my phone bill, I'm negotiating my car insurance and I've negotiated the cost of my couch and fridge.
Everything is negotiable: your salary, your benefits, the cost of things, your time and chores with your partner. If you start looking at it - “how can you negotiate to build the life that you want in all areas?” then there are so many possibilities.
Next steps
Reframe the negotiation, whatever it is
Cushion “asks” with gratitude
Don’t forget to negotiate bills
Learn more about Judy and check out her resources
Watch the full recording of the roundtable discussion, Building a Budget that Loves Your Back, here.
About Judy:
Judy is the founder and CEO of Hear Me Finance. As a money coach, she helps womxn and couples become financially free and independent. When she is not talking about the politics of money, you can find her at the park in her hammock or hanging out with her dog, Debbie Harry. You can find her on Instagram at @hearmefinance.