How to Talk About Money with Your Partner
Love and money: How to talk about money with your partner
You meet “the one,” decide to spend your lives together, and get married. Months later you find out that your partner has a low credit score, is deep in debt, spends outside of their means, or all of the above. Now you are arguing about money on the daily and are worried about how you’ll ever get a mortgage. How had this not come up before you got married? Why don’t you talk about money with your partner?
This might sound like an exaggeration for many, but according to a recent couples and money survey by Policygenius, one in five people think their partner is irresponsible with money. Those who think their partner is financially irresponsible are ten times more likely to break up. 13% of individuals surveyed had secret checking accounts, 12% had secret savings accounts, and 12% had hidden a financial purchase from their partners in the last six months.
This is causing significant stress in our relationships!
How is this happening?
Why do couples skip over such an important conversation as they get to know each other and plan their lives together? We often feel shameful and guilty about where we are financially - and we hate to talk about money (let alone with our partners!). We don’t know where to start to make things better. It’s no wonder we’re stressed out!
Come clean.
The good news is that the first step to talking about money with our partners actually starts with ourselves. We have to come clean to ourselves about what’s going on with our money before we can share it with someone else. Given my experience working with individuals and couples, I’d venture to say that many people truly don’t know what’s going on in their own financial life.
They have no idea how much they are actually spending, what their credit score is, or what they owe in credit cards and student loans. How can they share what’s going on if they don’t even know?
Facing the numbers can feel really scary. We’re not sure what we’re going to find but we have a feeling it’s not going to be pretty. That being said, I’ve never worked with someone who wasn’t relieved after going through the process.
Until you know what’s actually going on, there’s nothing you can do about it. And until you understand your own finances, you can’t share it with someone else. Coming clean with yourself is the first step to talking about money with your partner.
How to talk about money with your partner: Start with the fun part.
Once we start the process of figuring out what’s going on in our own financial lives, we are ready to start talking with our partners. This is an ongoing conversation and it doesn’t have to all happen at one time.
Many of us imagine our first conversation about money being one where we put all of our cards on the table, but we don’t have to start with such a big step. Thinking that we do is often the reason we put off having this conversation for so long!
So where do we start? The whole point of having money is to have and experience everything we truly want, so start there!
Share your goals and dreams with your partner and listen to theirs. Which goals are similar? Which are different? How much will those dreams cost? Have you started saving for them?
Make it a judgment free zone.
Another reason we put off talking about money with our partners is that we’re afraid that they will judge us. I get it - we’re probably judging ourselves enough!
Decide proactively that all of these conversations are judgement-free zones. We all have different relationships with money and we have our own values. For our money conversations to be effective, we have to practice compassion and acceptance of ourselves and our partners. Really listen, ask questions, and understand their experience with money.
I know… this is easier said than done. A great starting point is to consider how we experienced money growing up. Share your first money memory, how your families were with money, and even what your biggest money fears are.
That way, we truly know where the other is coming from. If the saver in the relationship (usually there’s a saver and a spender) freaks out when spending is high for a month, you’ll know it’s because that caused a lot of friction in their family growing up and not that they are trying to make your life more unpleasant.
Create monthly money meetings.
It’s important to create the time to talk about money with your partner and deal with your finances together. If we don’t create the time, these conversations can get postponed forever.
I recommend scheduling monthly Money Parties to tackle your financial to-dos. Take a look at the last month’s spending, check in with your goals, cross off any financial to-dos, and talk about anything that needs to be addressed.
One of the best parts of a monthly Money Party is that you no longer have your financial to-dos hanging over your head throughout the month. Add any non-urgent items to the agenda to be addressed at the party. Make it fun and reward yourself.
This method also compartmentalizes these money conversations with your partner so you aren’t always talking about money. This is really important if money contributes to stress in your relationship. Anything that comes up (as long as it is not urgent) can be addressed at the Money Party.
What will you do if you stick to your plan?
Love and money: just Get started.
You have to create a powerful money conversation with yourself before you can create one in your relationship with your partner. Face the numbers, share your dreams, and create a safe space with your partner to work towards those goals together. Not only will this reduce stress in your relationship, but you’ll also reach those big goals more quickly. Isn’t that the whole point of having money anyway?